Stranded in Chicago? Don't Despair
A weekend guide for the perplexed or stranded
The following bit of silliness is printed in the latest edition of The American Bystander, the last great American humor magazine. Mike Gerber gave it a beautiful layout full of great pictures of the Bean and Mayor Carter Harrison that here on Substack, you’ll have to imagine yourself.
Or buy the magazine! Every issue of The American Bystander really is a beautiful piece of work, full of great writing and marvelous cartoons, some with more than one panel! (Aren’t you really hungering for a cartoon that isn’t a wry commentary on the constant self-abasement and masochism that constitutes Manhattan living? Not naming names, but . . .) You’ll find writing by former Conan, Simpsons and Letterman writers, as well as regular weird folks who really should talk to a professional about their obsessions. It’s funded as a Patreon, and you can get either a paper version or electronic. Buy it while satire is still legal!
If, for some reason, you have found yourself scheduled for a weekend visit to Chicago, don’t despair! The American Bystander is here to help you maximize your time in the Windy City and bring you memories that, with luck, will last you a lifetime.
SATURDAY MORNING
Arrive at O’Hare International Airport. O’Hare is the only airport in the world built on a cursed Lithuanian burial ground, and it shows.
Take the Subway (or “Ess”) downtown and check into your hotel, The Sweetbread, a funky converted meat-packing plant. Take a pass on the complimentary head cheese in the lobby, so you can save room for…
Breakfast. Treat yourself to a Chicago deep-dish omelet at locally known Schmoopy’s Pink-Eye Restaurant. Heavy on the giardiniera, Schmoop!
Walk off your meal with a tour of Chicago’s fine public art:
· The Picasso. Unveiled in 1967, many Chicagoans still debate what the statue is supposed to be. Picasso himself stated several times, “No me preguntes—en aquel entonces yo estaba ‘tripping balls’.”
· Cloud Gate. Called “The Bean” by locals, its original title was “Ultraman Drops a Deuce.”
· “New Dawn Rising,” the abstract sculpture commemorating the first splitting of the atom in the Gold Coast basement of pig-foot magnate and amateur physicist Ogden Armour III.
Living up to its nickname “The Prairie Metropolis,” Chicago boasts a 127-acre greenspace in the downtown “Loop”, complete with transplanted buffalo. The “Loop”, incidentally, was given its name by 17th century French trappers because of the many male prostitutes (“Loups” or “wolves”) in the area.
A series of west-side canals finished in 1900 reversed the flow of the Chicago River, sending the city’s sewage west to the Mississippi. “We could think of no finer way,” Chicago’s then-mayor said, “to celebrate St. Louis’ upcoming World’s Fair.”
Lunch. Ask any Chicagoan and they will say gyros was invented there. (They will say this about anything you’d care to name, including grapes, the zeppelin and gravity.) Enjoy a full cone of Greek-style goodness from any of the unlicensed gyros vendors in and around (and under!) the Loop, or just a glass of cold tzatziki sauce on a hot day.
Throughout the city, look for brass plaques documenting the confirmed sites where Al Capone slapped a newsboy.
At one time, Chicago was surrounded by mountains. Mined for gravel for east coast building booms, the mountains were exhausted and finally flattened around 1840, giving us the unending vista you can stare at today.
Every summer, historical reenactors descend on the Conrad Hilton Hotel to commemorate the “Days of Rage” when anti-war protestors clashed violently with police during the 1968 Democratic Convention. Many real Chicago police join in as well, mainly for exercise or to break in new crowd control equipment.
Dinner. Chicago dining is light-years beyond the meat-and-potatoes reputation it had in the past. May we suggest:
· Meat ‘n’ Potatoes, an ironically named, slightly masochistic vegetarian mecca that pumps the aroma of simmering beef stew and bacon into the dining area, where you can enjoy their famously bland Burmese tofu.
· 41.8781° N, 87.6298° W, a one-table restaurant located directly above the intersection of State and Madison Streets, at the city’s geographic center.. Strap in for fine dining!
· Stash and Seang’s, innovative Polish-Cambodian fusion with singing waiters.
· Hostage, where the menu every night is a surprise. Chefs from various establishments around town are kidnapped, blindfolded, brought to this venue and ordered “Cook!” The results? Variable!
Enjoy a set of improv comedy at the Argy-Bargy Theater, where everyone – cast, staff, bartenders, audience – are trained improvisers and won’t stop extending the scene until they get a deal from Netflix.
“House music,” which originated in Chicago, was given its name because of the city’s many houses.
Every commercial establishment in the city is required by law to become a speakeasy after 9 pm, so enjoy a nightcap anywhere! When someone tells you, “What? No! Get outta here!” just smile—it’s an improviser doing his “rude waiter” bit.
The South and West Sides of Chicago offer some of the finest nightlife and liveliest music in the world, a mix of styles unlike any in the country. Please wait for us to homogenize it and bring it to the Loop for your safe enjoyment.
SUNDAY MORNING
Breakfast: Ask the police standing around the murder scene outside your hotel where to get a good breakfast nearby. You’ll be called a “jagoff” and get lots of opinions, many of which we cannot print here. (Note: The regional insult “jagoff” may sound like a mere sexual vulgarity. What it describes, we also cannot print here.)
Enjoy a stroll on the shore of Lake Michigan, named for the city’s famed retail street. After the Great Chicago Fire of 1876, every building downtown, damaged or not, was hauled to the lakefront and tossed in the water for insurance fraud, which has given skindivers a marvelous underwater park to visit.
Chicago’s motto is “Urbs in Horto,” an anagram for “Burrito nosh.”
The city became the hub of the Midwest’s railroad system for many reasons, including its near-monopoly on those little blue hats engineers used to wear.
Lunch. Grab a cheeseburger at the famous Billy Goat Tavern, inspiration for the Saturday Night Live sketch, “Horrible Headwound Harry.”
Fried brain sandwiches? Sorry, jagoff, that’s St. Louis.
Stand on the steps of the Art Institute of Chicago and watch for celebrities, including disoriented chefs dumped out of a speeding car after a long night at Hostage, and the cops who cursed you out this morning.
Chicago’s famed architecture is the perfect setting for city skydiving, so grab some air! You can buy a souvenir “Flying squirrel suit” or rent one at Urban Poseur Outfitters on Lasalle Street, go to the top of Sears Tower (not “Trump Tower,” the locals will insist, because it’s not!) and ride the Midwest breezes.
Chicagoans are known for their bluster, their tenacity and their can-do attitude. You’ll come to appreciate these traits even more when an April blizzard paralyzes the city and you have to gather provisions, struggle to O’Hare and fight for your spot on the last flight for three days. You wanted more than just a weekend here? You got it! (Jagoff.)
ADDITIONAL ADDITIONS
Enjoy the street drumming of the “Bucket Boys” brigade. These plastic bucket percussionists live by the credo, “One bucket good, 30 buckets better!” You may think, “A jury would never convict me,” but be warned": a 2023 court case proved that very wrong.
The tunnel that stretches from Monroe Harbor to St. Joseph, Michigan, a modern engineering marvel, was recently purchased by private equity investors and is currently closed for tax reasons.
Chicago is home to more Chinese people than any other city on earth!
While it is the fourth largest freshwater lake in the world, Lake Michigan is choked and almost impassable in July and August from booze cruises and fake pirate ships.
Wrigley Field, home of the Cubs, was the last major league baseball park to install toilets (1988).
Chicago is world famous for its sauerkraut, and the refreshing smell of pickling brine can be detected in every sector of the city, whether you want to or not.
Fans of the “Batman” films can enjoy Bat-motor tours on Lower Wacker Drive, complete with real explosions.
Due to a clerical error, the Buckingham Fountain is named for guitarist Lindsey Buckingham of the rock-n-roll band Fleetwood Mac.
The naming rights to the White Sox’s home field are up for negotiation every season. Why not name it for your spouse as a surprise on your visit? She’ll never forget it, or this place.
Schmoopy's Pink-Eye! 😂 No, just no!
Love the photo of Mark and Mary!
"The South and West Sides of Chicago offer some of the finest nightlife and liveliest music in the world, a mix of styles unlike any in the country. Please wait for us to homogenize it and bring it to the Loop for your safe enjoyment."
Pow!